A year!

Well, I am coming up on a year! Sometimes I feel as though I just arrived and other times I feel like I have been here for years! I really can't remember my life back in MN! This post will recap and/or reflect my last year:

I arrived here last November completely broken. Actually, I was not broken but rather shattered... I was popping pills to get through the day (not illegal ones), and had a hard time staying focused. I didn't have a clue what my first step was. The anxiety I had was at most times overwhelming. I had no job, along with feeling that I didn't have skills to get a job. I had moved across the country, had no friends here, and only one (well two) family members. I had no furniture or any household items. I came with a car and with that car I had a car payment! Again, no job to pay for it! I was emotionally and physically torn and broken! I had pretty much stopped eating and not to lose weight, but because I was so sick to my stomach. I couldn't tell you what I was or who I was or what I was going to do. I felt every emotion one could think of and each day I was left with a different feeling, a different torture and eventually a different strength. I remember days wishing that my nightmare would end, and that I could wake up and have this all be a dream. I wished I was back in MN, married and surrounded by my family and friends. I remember countless days/nights just feeling sorry for myself. There were many days of "Why is this happening to me?"

As time went by, I began to realize that one can not take away your determination, your motivation and ultimately yourself. When you hit bottom you have the choice to sit on the ground or stand up. I was sitting for way to long and I needed to choose to stand; however, this was not an easy task and I am not going to pretend like it was honkie dorie from that point on. It was an uphill battle and on days, I slipped back down the hill and then inched my way up. I had days/weeks of victory and then days of many failures. I had hopes/accomplishments that I met and then those that I never attempted or those that I tried and failed to accomplish. But day by day, life went on and I got a job. And days turned into weeks and I was able to stop talking "pills"! I was able to meet people and concentrate at work. I do have to admit that even after weeks, I didn't think that I would "last" a year, and always thought I would run back home and things/life would go back to "normal". I also have to admit that I really didn't believe that my marriage was "over", until the day I got the finalized divorced papers back in March. (I think it was in March!) And that is a true testimony as to how far I have come! :)

I do again have to take a minute to thank my sister and Carley for being so great to me. I don't think I would have been where I am today without them. One of the things I was most fearful for was for the first time being able to be financially stable or should I say "financially responsible"! I had never managed finances, but I think one more reason that I stayed at their place so long was that how was I going to live alone? More importantly - who was going to cook for me? - That is suppose to be a joke! But true! He he!

I had my "oh, I am getting my own place. this is so exciting, and .....", but then when I moved out of Megan and Carley's I found myself again...in an unfamiliar place, not knowing anyone and this time I didn't/couldn't just go home and shoot the shit with my roomies! So, June and July (especially after going back to MN for a week) I found myself really feeling that I couldn't do this anymore, that I wanted to be back with friends and family and that although getting my own place was exciting, it also came with its downs!

It didn't take me to long to walk downstairs and meet the regulars at the bar! ha ha! I started to grow more in my career and began learning more at Countrywide and within myself. I started hanging out with "my group" of friends. Life started becoming my "norm"! I guess my point is that you never know where life is going to take you! Change is always scary, but you never know where it may lead.

Someone needs to just tell me to quit rambling!

So, I have started to update my resume and not because I don't like my job, but more that you don't know where life is gonna take you, and especially in my industry I don't know what next month holds! As I updated my resume, I thought of all the skills/achievements I have accomplished within the past year! I remember last year trying to get a job here, and I don't want to say I "fabricated my resume", but I definitely had to stress my more transferable skills! (i.e. works well with others) I started fresh with a new resume and just keep going and before you knew it I was on page two trying to figure out how I was going to condense it to a one page resume! It gave me a sense of "relief", not because it was two pages, but because it made me realize how much I have grown, in a career and as a person. I will never again be that girl with transferable skills, but real experience and real skills/achievements/experiences!

I look back to this past year, and I can say I did it! I proved alot to myself this past year! I have moved across the country, I have made friends and really been able to have an amazing friendship with my sister(and Carley too! - Even though at times she might differ!)I have grown in my career, gained skills, and have obtained the feeling of self-worth within my job. I have begun to walk with my head up again. I feel irreplaceable at work, even though I know anyone can be trained. I have proven that I can be financially stable, and over the last year I have also been able to travel, and go shopping! ha ha! But most of all, I have gained experience and that is something I will always be grateful for, and never regret! Looking forward to my next year of new experiences and also to see where life leads me next! Cheers!

Another Month....

Well, another month has gone by and I just can't believe how time flies. As you all know - I am the most indecisive person, so you know in a month feelings have changed and alot has happened. Where do I begin....

I will start by saying that since I last posted, I took a 3rd job. But it didn't take long for me to quit the 2nd job. I am now working at a bar called "The Hawks Nest", although it doesn't feel to much like a job. It is located next to the 2 stadiums and it is a Seattle Seahawks themed sports bar. So on game days, it is packed with the die hard fans that all want to have fun and drink! My first day the called a team meeting and had everyone that was working take shots of Tequilla. I think I am going to like this!! Anyways, I have been working there just over 3 weeks and love it! Countrywide has been crazy this month as my boss has been in Italy traveling for the month of September so Jacob and I have been super busy trying to hold down the fort! Jr. League of Seattle has also started so I am busy with that as well! Sometimes I don't know when I will find time to wash my hair because I have found myself working really hard, yet playing harder!

So below are some pictures that have been taken in the last month. Out in the city, going to Oktoberfest(I don't know why it happens in September) and also traveling to Oak Harbor. It takes a minute to be able to see them all.

Then there is my new love....Zoey! Words can not describe how much I love this little thing! I spoil her rotten, and my camera is connected to me because everything she does is so cute! And here she is....

There is a god!!! What a journey!

Well...how much can change in a day, a week, 2 weeks! I guess life is really a roller coaster. In the prior weeks to my last post, I found myself sad and confused at which direction my life was headed. I just wanted to share with you the good as well. I truly believe that there is a god and as soon as you feel you can't handle anymore on your plate, he gives you a break and brings light. (and we all know how religious I am)

I have received many kudos throughout the last 9 months of working with Team Crowell. Having said that, don't screw up...You will hear about that also! (I learned that from experience!) But what can I say, I work for the best of the best! We (Team Crowell - 3 of us) are ranked #2 in the NW region! About a day after my last post, I was told I will start making commission on deals. That was super exciting to hear. I can know start building relationships with Realtors! I have been started to go to open houses to start building those and I hope that in the next few months I will start having some closings! YEAH! Another thing to add to the resume!

I also took a second job (prior to learning about my commission opportunities) and have been working Saturday nights serving. It has gone pretty well overall, and I actually like getting back in that industry!

I would also like to clear something up! Yes, I do have regrets in life, but I also think that moving to Seattle was the best thing I have ever done! Even though there are days I wish I was in MN and around my family and friends...I wouldn't trade my experience here in WA for anything. I am not the same because of it. I am a doing it on my own. I love it, and often times have been amazed at the true strength that lies in each and everyone of us. I continue to meet people who inspire me, make me laugh and also bring the best out of me. I thought by being married I knew where my life was headed and now the sky is the limit, and I assure you my goals are high! I believe I have already achieved so much and all that was in a trying time of life...The best is yet to come! I am focused and determined in my career for now and that is all I want!

Until next time....

Time for an emotional post!

Where do I begin? I am probably writing this more for myself than any of you, but I guess this poses as a journal for me. I have been struggling here. I feel like I loved Seattle at first (actually for a long time). It has just been recently that I have struggled and I believe it has a lot to do with moving out on my own and also the weather here. I guess I keep going through change after change without knowing exactly where that road is taking me. With that said, I think my newest change of living by myself has presented things I wasn't prepared for. Yes, there are the bills, but that is not what I mean. I have never lived on my own and have always had people around me. So, when I moved out to West Seattle and realized that meeting people in your apartment complex is not as easy as meeting people in the college dorm or college apartment, I have found it to be a little lonely and sad. It has given me time to think of things that either I didn't want to think about and also really think about life. I think that a younger generation will start moving in my apartment complex really soon, as I think some of the people here might die of old age at any minute. They have walkers!


About life: They say "Never regret anything, because at one point it was exactly what you wanted." That is true, everything in my life happened because that is what I wanted at that time. But living by yourself, you begin to really think about things. For me....I think about the regrets in my life. At times, I wish I could go back and do things differently. I would have not had a boyfriend all through highschool. I would have not gone post-secondary and enjoyed highschool. I would have traveled to a different state for college. I would have gotten a different job through college that was more in my field and not just been a waitress. I would have not been in a rush to get married. I would have saw and listened to the red flags. I regret some of the things I did and didn't do in my marriage. I would have stayed more in contact with my friends while being married. I would have had higher dreams for myself and bigger goals. And the list goes on........

While I was visiting MN in July, I found out that Josh has had a girlfriend. At that point, why shouldn't he? It is closing in on a year! But as more comes out, I find out not only is she a girlfriend, but she is a live in girlfriend and that he took a girl on vacation less than 2 months after I moved out. It has really been a stab in the back to me. I don't want it to bother me and I don't want to care, but when you marry someone and then they move on as if you were nothing, it at least makes you think about it. I guess I just can't believe he moved on that quickly. But realize that from him, I should have expected it would go that way.

So what now? How does one completely let go of their past and close that chapter? Well you could try what I did, pack all your shit up and move 1700 miles away! Truth: IT FOLLOWS YOU!! :) There is no letting go. All you can do is learn from it and become a better person because of it. Does it make it easy? No.

What comes next in my life? I have an amazing job, which I truly love. I have my bad days, but I think you get that with any position. But a job is a job. Do you stay in a state that you don't love? I miss my summer!!!! I truly do not see myself surviving another summer here.

No Big News

Well, life has just kinda become the norm and I don't feel like I have to update very often. Same shit different week.... It is finally nice here! Today it was 91 degrees when I got into my car after work. Having said that it is suppose to only be 74 this weekend. So, yes the weather changes daily and I do miss my hot summer back in MN. Which leads me to this; I had a really great time back in MN in July seeing my friends and family. With that said, I am not quite ready to move back there, but feeling the need not to spend another summer in this "summerless" cold environment in Seattle. Last week, there were still people in long sleeves with sweaters layered on top. That is just not me. I feel like I have missed summer, and have come to the conclusion that there is not going to be a 3 month period of warmth and heat. I have yet to turn on my air in my car and I don't even have the option of air in my apartment. I wouldn't need it even if I had the option. I have started to look at options of transferring in Dec at the earliest and may stay until next spring, but I am thinking before ultimately moving back home, I want to spend a year in one more place first and have decided to look south...Austin, TX. Where it will be so hot, I will never bitch about being cold again! haha. We will see what happens! (and I am hoping that my friend Sarah will follow through and move there with me!)

Other than that, I am posting a few pictures from my recent sailing trip on the puget sound last weekend. Let's just say that sailing is a lot different than a motor boat, a lot more work, and quite the experience. I will be buying a boat when I move to Austin and it won't be a sailboat! haha

I think if you click on the pictures they get bigger.

Happy PRIDE!

Where do I begin? As you all know, I moved out to Seattle and moved in with my sister and her partner, Carley. Since day one, my sister, Megan has always been willing and able to answer any questions I have had, and believe me I have 20 questioned her over and over. Last weekend I had an experience that was truly eye-opening. Coming from “Wayzata”, you really didn’t see too many gays, or too many different cultures or nationalities. Most people in Wayzata are so “in the box!” So, I have struggled over the years to understand how my sister was who she was and how one “becomes” gay. (Megan – Please don’t be mad at me for writing this!) After moving to Seattle, my whole life changed. Yes, for the obvious reasons, but also for many more. I moved to a city where people are “different” or what I thought was “different”.
Prior to moving here, I was around Megan and Carley, but didn’t really know of any other “gay” couples. Since moving here, I have had the opportunity to meet some amazing people and also some super amazing “GAY COUPLES”!
I haven’t always understood and even when I did, I would not have thought about protested for gay rights. (Like many of you reading this) But, I thought after my eye-awakening experience I would share a few thoughts I have with you.
GAY PEOPLE:
They are just like you and I. They have faults and strengths in their personal life and in their relationships. They have morals and values. They are trust worthy, friendly, intelligent, caring, respectful people that deserve the same equality as us. Rosie O’Donnell is not the only Lesbian mother in the world. There are “gay” people raising children everywhere! They are probably better parents than most of us! They teach their children morals, and what is most important in the world. They don’t judge you, so why judge them?
This weekend was PRIDE. As we pulled up, I saw all the drag queens! I do have to admit, that this was “eye candy” and was something to observe and talk about. Oh my god! His/Her ass is hanging out, and blah, blah, blah! Oh god, I am a little nervous!
And then there it was, one of the most amazing parades, a production, which will not be forgotten. I am used to candy and fire trucks, and here it was….People throwing glitter instead of candy, and people getting beads, which was exactly what everyone wanted. A cheer for the rights, an enormous cheer for political parties, churches, families and friends! I do not know the exact count, but it felt like there was tens of thousands of people there! The biggest parade I have ever been to.
It really made me think! My sister and her friends that I have met over the past few months, are NOT THE ONLY GAY PEOPLE OUT THERE! (Not saying that is what I believed) But I was amazed as to how many people were there.
I have come to the conclusion of why?

It is no longer a question of why are you “gay”, but rather a question of “ why do WE care and why can’t they have the same rights as you and I?” Why does society care if someone is gay? I especially felt this as I walked about a mile to my car. I had my beads on and for the first time, people were looking at me, and I felt “different”. They couldn’t see my tiny button that said “honorary”, but I almost wanting to take it off, and punch them or preach to them. I was suddenly walking down the street, and being treated differently by people, and realized this is what my sister goes through. NOT FAIR!
More lessons learned from pride:
A. This is a day that they can do whatever they want, and won’t be judged.
B. At the end of the day, does this person dressed as women affect my life? ( it ending up they did, but really think about it!)
C. They deserve this day, and every other day to be treated as equals, because they are just like you and I.
I had a man walk into the office this morning that was obviously “gay”. He had the hand jesters, the voice, ect. Today, my attitude changed though. I again have to admit, that I would have probably thought, “COULD YOU GET ANYMORE GAY” and also “WHY DO HAVE TO DO THE VOICE AND THE HAND MOVEMENTS?” Today though, I thought of this past weekend and realized I don’t care! He is still a good person and it doesn’t matter if he is different than me! Again, at the end of the day, his lifestyle doesn’t affect my life. Although, to a certain degree it did….And it made me feel better that I can finally after many years of wandering about how and why, understand, accept and love!

I hope that all of you can open up, meet some “gay” people and realize all of the lessons I have learned. I also hope that in voting, you remember me, my sister, and all of her amazing friends, and vote for someone that has gay rights in mind. They do deserve it. The fact that after 9 years of being together, my sister would run into problems seeing her partner in an emergency room is ridiculous! Let’s try to all be equal!
If you want to learn more about Pride and the history of how it came started:
http://lesbianlife.about.com/od/lesbiansinhistory/a/Stonewall.htm
http://gaylife.about.com/cs/4/a/gaypridedates.htm
or just google Gay Pride History! It is actually very interesting!

P.S. I am still straight! 

On a different note – I will be home on Tuesday for a week. I hope to see everyone and hope all will join in the festivities of Rodeo!

Below are some pics from Pride weekend!

Pictures!

I spend some time today at the coffee shop getting pictures together. I don't know if the pictures I post today will work, but I noticed if you click on the pictures from my last post, it will go into the slideshow with the 4-leaf clovers.

I am really enjoying living on my own. I have met some people in west seattle and have been going out on the weekends, Tuesdays with Megan and usually on Thursdays too. Work has still been busy and I am getting really excited for my trip back to Minnesota in a few weeks. The weather here...pretty much sucks. It is getting better, but I am used to hot weather at this time, and it is NOT hot here. It is suppose to get to 80 next weekend, but if it does that once in a grey blue moon and then gets cold again or in the sixties. It is the first time that I have thought I can not live the rest of my life here! I like the 90 degree weather! Although, I do have to admit that there are no screens on windows here because there are no bugs!!! I have busy weekends planned for the next few weeks and then will be home for Rodeo!

Below are a few pics that I posted on myspace. Thought I would share here too!